Joel Osteen’s Jokes (2/2)

“The Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage”

I heard about this elderly couple who have been married for 60 years, never had an argument, never had a cross word. They were at a church function. Someone asked them the secret of their success. The man told how he always treated his wife with respect and how he took her on trips around the world. He said, “In fact, for our 25th wedding anniversary, I took her to Beijing China.” Everyone politely applauded. Someone said, “What did you do for your 50th wedding anniversary?” He said, “I went back and pick her up.” -Don’t be Defined by your Mistakes

“The Opposite of Woe”

I heard about these three aspiring psychiatrists, William, Julie, and Bubba. They were taking their first test on emotional extremes. The professor asked William, “What is the opposite of sadness?” He replied, “happiness”. The professor asked Julie, “What is the opposite of depression?”. She replied, “joy.” The professor asked Bubba, “What is the opposite of Woe? W-O-E.” Bubba looked kind of puzzled. After a long pause, he replied, “giddy up!”
– Closed Doors Can’t Stop You

“The Pastor and the Song Leader”

I heard about this pastor and song leader that weren’t getting along and is starting to spill over into the services. One Sunday, the pastor talked about the importance of being a giver. Afterward, the song leader got up and led the song “Jesus Paid It All”. The next week, the pastor talked about not gossiping, watching your tongue. The song leader got up and led, “I Love to Tell the Story”. Another week, he talked about being willing to change. The song leader got up and led, ” I Shall not be Moved”. The pastor was so frustrated, he resigned. He told the congregation “Jesus brought me here and Jesus is taking me away”. The song leader then led, “What a Friend We Have in Jesus”.- The Secret to Solving Problems

“An Arm and a Leg and a Rib”

One day, Adam was feeling very lonely. God said, “Adam, I’m going to make you a companion. It’s going to be called a woman. This person will cook for you, and wash your clothes, she will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night. She will always agree with you. If you do have a disagreement, she’ll be the first to admit she was wrong.” Adam said, “Wow God, what will a woman like this cost?” God said, “An arm and a leg.” Adam said, “What can I get for a rib?”–Victory Begins in the Dark, Joel Osteen

“Scripture? What Scripture?”

I head about this lady, she surprised a burglar in her kitchen late one night. She was home alone and didn’t have a weapon. She didn’t know what she was going to do. She finally thought, “I’ll quote a scripture verse.” She shouted out “Acts 2:38”. The burglar suddenly froze in his tracks and wouldn’t move. Soon the police arrived. They were amazed that a woman with no weapon could do this. They asked the burglar, “What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?” He said, “Scripture? What scripture?” I thought she said she had an axe and two .38s.” –Miracles in your Mouth, Joel Osteen

“What to Wear in Church”

One Sunday morning, this man walked in a church wearing old blue jeans, an old t-shirt, beat-up cowboy hat. Some of the members were appalled. They sent notes to the pastor expressing their concerns. Afterwards, the pastor told the man that he needed to pray and ask God what he should wear before he came back to his church. The next Sunday, the man walked in dressed exactly the same. The pastor said, “I told you to ask God what to wear before you came back to my church.” The man said, “I did asked God, but he told me he didn’t know what to wear because he’s never been here before.” —When God Doesn’t Listen, Joel Osteen

“You be Jesus”

I heard about this mom. She was cooking breakfast for her two young boys; Ryan was 5. Kevin was 3. They began to argue over who should get the first pancake. She saw this as an opportunity to teach teach them a lesson. She said, “Boys, boys, if Jesus were here, he would say, “Let my brother have the first pancake.” Ryan turned to his younger brother and said, “Okay Kevin, you be Jesus.” —-Mix Your Faith, Joel Osteen

“The Origin of Men”

I heard about this little girl. She asked about her mother how the human race got started. Her mother explained how God created Adam and Eve and they had children on and on, here we are today. A few days later she asked her father the same question. He explained how many years ago, there were monkeys and little by little they became more like people and now here we are. Confused, she went back to her mother. “Mom, you said God created people. Dad said we came from Monkeys, How can that be?” She said, “Oh honey, that’s easy. I told you about my side of the family; Dad told you about his. —-Positioned for Increase, Joel Osteen

Joel Osteen’s Jokes Compilation

For more of Joel Osteen’s Jokes, click the link or go to the HOME PAGE, then go to CATEGORIES

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