Joel Osteen’s Jokes (1/2 Compilation)

“The Stingy Man and the Christian Wife”

I heard about this man that was very stingy with his money. Just before his death, he made his wife promise him that she would have him bury with the $50,000.00 he had saved. His wife reluctantly agreed. At the funeral, before they closed the casket, she sneaked in this small wooden box. Her friend said, “Shirley, you didn’t just bury the money, did you? The wife said, “Of course I did! I’m a Christian. I can’t lie. ” She said, “You mean you just buried $50, 000.00?” The wife said, ” Yes, I did! I wrote a cheque.” -Daily Direction

“Three people: a Russian, an American and a blonde”

I heard about these three people: a Russian, an American and a blonde. they were talking together; the Russian said, “We were the first ones in space”. The American said, “Well, we were the first ones on the moon.” The blonde said, “That’s nothing! We’re gonna to be the first ones on the sun.” The American and the Russian, they laughed. “You can’t go to the sun! It’s too hot and you would be burn up.” The blonde said, “We know that! We’re not that dumb- we’re gonna go at night. ” – Remove the Grave Clothes

The Smartest Man Alive”

I heard about this old country farmer. He’s taking his nephew camping for the first time. His nephew had five degrees. He’s one of the smartest men alive. They set up their tent and quickly fell asleep. In the middle of the night, the farmer woke up his nephew. He said, “Look up! What do you see?”. The nephew said, “I see millions of stars.” The farmer said, “I know that but what does that tell you?”. He said, “Astronomically, it tells me there are billions of galaxies. Meteorologically, it tells me it’s going to be a beautiful day. Theologically, it tells me God is a great creator. What does that tell you?”. The farmer shook his head and said, “It tells me somebody stole our tent.” -Coming Out Better

Understanding a Woman vs. Building a Bridge”

I heard about this man that was walking on the beach. God said, “Son, you’ve been so faithful, I’m going to grant you one special wish.” He was so excited, he said “God, I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m afraid to fly, so my wish is that you would build me a bridge across the ocean”. God said, “Son, that’s totally impossible! Think of the logistics of that. Now, take some time and wish again!”. He said, “Okay God, I’ve been married four times. All my ex-wives say I’m so insensitive. So, my wish is that I’d be able to understand a woman. I wanna know why they think like they think, why they feel like they feel.”. There was a long pause, God said, “Do you want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?”. -Your Words Become Your Reality

“Superbowl or His Wedding?”

I heard about this young man. He was a huge football fan. He bought two tickets to the super bowl months ahead of time not realizing it was gonna be on the same day as his wedding. He paid USD 2,000.00 each for the tickets, so he put an add on Facebook asking if anyone would like to go in his place. He said it will be at 3:00 o’clock at First Baptist Church and her name is Tiffany. – Joel Osteen, The God Who Goes Before You

“Directions and the Stray Dog”

“I heard about this man named, Bubba. He lived way out of the country. There’s this stray dog that kept showing up at his house. His wife said, “Bubba, you have to put the dog in the truck and take him out to the woods and drop him off. That’s where he lives.” Bubba drove him a mile down the road, dropped him off. When he came back home, the dog was walking up the driveway. Practically, beating him back. He did the same thing, it happened again. His wife said, “Bubba, you have to take him way out. Drive him around in circles, get him mixed up.” Bubba drove him an hour away -crisscrossed country road he’s never driven before dropped the dog off. Two hours later, Bubba called his wife from the truck and said, “Did that dog make it back home?” She said, “Yeah, here comes walking up.” He said, “Do me a favor. Put him on the line. I need directions. “–You Have a Defender, Joel Osteen

The Secret to a Long Happy Life

I heard about this lady, everyday, she saw this little old man sitting on his front porch rocking in his rocking chair. He always seemed to be so happy. One day, she got her nerve up and went over to him, said, “Sir, I can’t help but notice you’re always smiling, always in a good mood. Please tell me, what is your secret for such a long, happy life?” He said, “That’s easy! I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, I eat nothing but junk food, and I never exercise.” She said, “That’s amazing, how old are you?” He said, “Twenty-six.” —Your Wings Are Coming, Joel Osteen

“The Origin of Men”

I heard about this little girl. She asked about her mother how the human race got started. Her mother explained how God created Adam and Eve and they had children on and on, here we are today. A few days later she asked her father the same question. He explained how many years ago, there were monkeys and little by little they became more like people and now here we are. Confused, she went back to her mother. “Mom, you said God created people. Dad said we came from Monkeys, How can that be?” She said, “Oh honey, that’s easy. I told you about my side of the family; Dad told you about his. —-Positioned for Increase, Joel Osteen

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Joel Osteen’s Jokes (2/2)

Joel Osteen’s Jokes Compilation

For more of Joel Osteen’s Jokes, click the link or go to the HOME PAGE, then go to CATEGORIES, then click JOKES, also, so you don’t miss out all of the future posts, don’t forget to click FOLLOW on the home page and look forward for something funny every Wednesday

Some Random Thoughts



  1. You know Joel. I don’t know if this will get to you but I’ve been struggling with substance abuse since I was 14yrs old. I’ve had my moments of sobriety. I actually had 18yrs. Clean and sober. But now at 63yrs of age I’ve gone to my old ways which is Heroin, Cocaine and alcohol. Please!!! Talk more about how God can help us relieve this burden


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