I am sharing this video because I have never felt so at home with myself as I am now. I am at peace with who I am and who I have been that’s why I am just so happy I can just joke around like this (as seen in the video) with no pretentions. I am just happy. I am just me.
In the past, I had always felt like a part of me was a fraud. I grew up poor and I was just so blessed to be a part of a family whose supportive and so kind-hearted. They made me feel like I belonged at a period in our lives when a sense of belongingness is the main core of our existence.
I grew up poor and I had the chance to study college at a private university. In most of my college time, I just felt a strong urge that I had to blend in. I didn’t want to be pitied. My constant thoughts before was like “I know I am poor. I come from poverty. And my classmates or schoolmates come from a different world than mine. What if they treat me differently if they knew I was this and that? I don’t want pity. I just have to blend in.”
I blended in at the same time I just lived in the present. I was thriving. I started as an academic scholar and then moved to being a non-academic scholar i.e. working while studying. There was nothing wrong with being a working student. In the Philippines though, based on what I have observed, working part-time while studying is just not really common. In fact, I felt as though we were perceived differently (I don’t know if it was just me). I am proud of being a working student. In my heart, this was the highlight of my college years. I learned a lot about life and the corporate/working world I know I wouldn’t have learned anywhere else as a college student. I made some awesome wholesome fun interactions with my fellow working students. Made some genuinely good memories with them.
I blended in and blending has become a habit I’ve developed through the years. When I meet someone new, old or young, I always put myself to their shoes. I always felt the need to understand them and make sure I don’t offend them. I may not have done it 100% all the time, but this was how I had always been. It’s easier for me to empathize because I always imagine myself being in their place. If I observed people deeply, I always understood and felt their pain even before they could tell me what they were. Much more when they would confirm them verbally to me.
Nothing wrong with all these. Compassion is vital in life. However, the habit of just blending in and adjusting to the people around me. Interacting in a way that would please them had bad consequences for me. I lost touch with who I really am along the way. There came a time when I felt so lost I didn’t even know know who I am. what I really wanted and whatnot. It was terrible. I was just like water. I remember one of my coworkers told me that time “Mj is like a water-personality.” You probably know what the water does right? Water adapts and takes the form of wherever it is. If we take water in a glass, it will be cylindrical, but when we pour water into a bowl, it will flow and take the shape of the bowl. And this was what happened to me. I didn’t have my own sense of self.
Over the years, I lost touch with who I really am and a part of me felt like a fraud. This has been my internal struggle until recently, recently like last year, I took the time to go through it all. I took the time to get to know myself at a deeper level and it was not easy. I had to confront with realities. The realitites being I was left behind. I failed. I was mediocre. I made huge regrettable mistakes I could never change. Things are just within our control and etc. So, realities are never tasty but all I can say is it was all worth it. It sucked but it was liberating at the same time. Since after then, I am really at peace with who I am—-able to do things not feeling like a fraud anymore.
I am grateful to have reached this point with all those people who were with me along the way. Thank you for lending your ears, letting me cry and making me realize that indeed it was all just a part of life.
Speaking of cry, to all those who are struggling, becuase we all are going through something—-may it be due to identify crisis or neglected needs that lead to the ripple effects of it affecting personal, social or romantic relationships and everything else —those struggles that make us feel as if the world is on our shoulders, I know it gets darker and tougher. It would seem like there’s no escaping from it. It would feel like we are trapped. But, remember we can GROW IN WHAT WE GO THROUGH, so let’s grow in whatever we have to go through.
I am at a point where my sharing comes from a perspective of genuineness. And I’m sharing a note to myself saying PEACE COMES FROM WITHIN. Once, we know who we really are, we also know where we stand and it’s easy to know where we want to go.
By the way, this song seems really meaningful, and the line (of the song) I put in this video just feel so relevant and so I would caption this post “When you’re just you” because when you are, you can just follow your heart, then you can just breathe”
Here’s the whole lyrics of the song “Dream” Baby Monster
“Sometimes, I don’t know who I am
Doubting myself again
Can’t find a light in the dark
And I’m finding myself in the rain
Tryna get out of the pain
Know that I’ve come so far
I made a promise, I’ll never run and hide
[Pre-Chorus: Pharita]
I’m getting stronger
I’m getting stronger
A little longer
I’m getting stronger
[Chorus: Haram, Ahyeon]
Now I finally found my wings
I let go of everything
Decided to follow my heart
And I finally able to breathe
Finally able to see
Just who I was born to be
I’m waking up in my dream
[Verse 2: Ruka, Asa, Chiquita, Chiquita & Ahyeon]
Uh
Oh, yeah, that fires in my eyes
No sleep, you keep them lullabies
Cross hearts I’vе been the one to ride
Vroom-vroom, I’ll see you latеr, bye
I keep it a hundred, we one in a million, no billion
No kiddin’, no ceiling, that’s limitless
Stars in the sky, we infinite
Envisioned it, just how I pictured it
Here we are, all of the lights
Spotlight is blinding my eyes
Just breathe and live and let it die
Lift up my head, I’ma rise
Spread out my wings, I’m a fly, fly high
[Pre-Chorus: Haram]
I’m getting stronger
I’m getting stronger
A little longer
I’m getting stronger
[Chorus: Rora, Haram]
Now I finally found my wings
I let go of everything
Decided to follow my heart
[Post-Chorus: Ahyeon, Rora, Haram]
I don’t care what they say (Say)
My life is not a game (Game)
Never gon’ run away
[Outro: Chiquita, All, Ahyeon, Haram, *Pharita*]
So don’t wake me up (Finally able to breathe)
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Can’t wake me up (*Nothing can wake me up*)
I’m waking up on my dream”
PPS I didn’t know about BABY MONSTER (or a lot of K-Pop groups) until I listened to their song thats on YouTube on my way to Ibaraki today. Ibaraki is a region in Japan just 2hours (by train) north of Tokyo.|| May 27, 2023
#peace #selflove #reflection #growth #development #selfdevelopment #kpop #dream #babymomsterpredebut #notetomyself #lifelessons #writing #inspiration #struggles #challenges #realizations #millenialsstruggles #mentalhealth #happiness #identitycrises #whoami #love #hurts #breakups #challenges #problems #overcomingpeace #collegelife #teenagelife #adulthood
Some Random Thoughts 