I have always grappled with the fear of being too happy. Despite believing that I had conquered this fear before, this year has proven that I haven’t. There was once a particular TED talk by Caroline Myss, titled “CHOICES THAT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE,” which deeply resonated with me. However, within the three words deemed lethal—ENTITLED, BLAME, and DESERVE—I find myself wrestling with the latter.

Growing up in poverty, the concept of entitlement was foreign to me. I was taught that humility lies in recognizing life as a borrowed gift, to be lived with integrity and dignity. Life presents various paths, some leading in the right direction, while others are windier and more challenging. But will they ultimately lead to the right destination? Perhaps, but the journey isn’t always smooth, often taking unexpected detours and leading to dead ends.

Then, navigating life’s challenges, some brought by my own choices, I’ve come to understand the significance of feeling deserving. Being alive, I recognize the importance of caring for my well-being as a form of gratitude. For instance, taking care of my physical body, eating the right food, allowing it to rest amply, socializing with the right people, feeding my brain with the right thoughts and so on. Being the one person who see things differently in a way that none of my other family members could, I allowed myself to extend understanding to them. They DESERVE it. Having endured much, I acknowledge the need to occasionally indulge in life’s pleasures, because I DESERVE it. Yet, a part of me still hesitates to fully embrace happiness. Do I really DESERVE it? Why don’t I? Why do I?

In the past, guilt consumed me when I experienced joy or treated myself to something nice without offering the same to my family. Over time, I started living life as my own, liberating myself from these sufferings. However, this year, a sudden fear has taken root. Each moment of happiness seems to be shadowed by an impending sorrow. I find myself scared to smile or laugh, anticipating the tears that might follow. Often times, I even catch myself hearing an adult voice I used to hear when I was young –we used to get scolded because of the noise from too much laughter, fun or enjoyment. “Stop it now, that is too much. You’ll end up crying afterwards.”

Hmm, I must have come to a belief that one must be prepared to handle the aftermath of happiness first. If I cannot handle the ensuing sadness and suffering, then perhaps I should refrain from pursuing happiness altogether. Such a gloomy pessimistic thought it is and yet it has found a way and lurking in my mind recently. How to bring back clarity and positivity? Also, how to remove DESERVE from my vocabulary?

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Is happiness something to be scared of? What should I do if this kind of thought finds it way into my mind?

I think we handle things differently. In my case, I tend to linger on it, try tracing it, then encapsulating it and then storing it in this receptacle of thoughts. I’m sorry though if you were here for an answer to those questions above. I can only share what I know, but there should be a book like ‘The Mountain is You” or a professional that can also help you. Anyway, just always remember, nothing is a problem unless you identify it as one. If it is, there’s always a solution to it. And so, this I tell myself. Now, off this thought shall go.

Writing it here means I am shipping this away. May this thought sail smoothly into the ocean of nothingness — freeing some space for clarity, peace and positivity.

–marymancee✨✨✨ || my mind being a thought factory

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