while holding him to my arms — even knowing how heavy he could be, I had the courage to carry him and to have that chance to take care of him–that chance I would never get again — no matter how many times I would ask —or even if I keep on regretting what I failed to do. The peace and the joy coming deep down in my heart knowing I had that chance of making it up to him.

In my dream, he’s always sick and he always says he’s fine even when he was burning with fever. I always have the urge to do what is right for him as the older sister but I always just end up not being able to do anything for him. Finally, at this time, I carried him and I took care of him. Sadly, I had to wake up. I felt so sad I could not even finish it. I could not even make sure he was okay even before I get to wake up.

It’s been over five years but the regret, the guilt still always haunt me subconsciously. It’s been 5 days in a row I keep on dreaming about my late brother. It’s funny how I subconsciously associates my youngest brother to him. I was not even thinking about him lately. It was the other brother and yet, it was him who’s in my subconscious thoughts. I have gotten better at filtering which thoughts I should let linger in my head, but still embedded deep within me are the regrets of not having done the things I should have for him.

I have a lot of regrets and these are the scenes that keep on replaying in my head every time I come across things that remind me of my childhood which lead to my late brother—who is hopefully at peace in heaven now.

1. I should have gone to that Intramurals where he was representing his class —I knew it was something he liked (being one of the main character –being praised for how he looked) and all he longed was the support of his sisters but what did I do —I acted selfish. I had the time to talk to a guy regardless if I would be sleep deprived, but I was too tired and sleepy for my brother. I could have just gone there knowing my other sisters wouldn’t be there for him. He must have felt so unsupported, then.
2. I should have fought with my older sister and made sure he went with us when we were going out of the city to go to our relatives. It would have made him felt better and perhaps his condition would have not gotten worse. He must have felt so abandoned at that time. I could have fought, but I chose peace. I could have just stayed there with him, instead ( knowing how he must have been feeling).
3. When Chito and other cousins (mother side) went to our province, I should have had the time talking with him even when he acted like he didn’t want to be bothered. Deep inside, he just needed that one person he could lean on. Why would I always think he was strong enough to handle things on his own? Why did always have to think he was tougher by himself as I was. I would have made a lot of difference. He was there at my auntie’s house and he was there watching us. I would never forget how heavy it was for me to leave after just ignoring him. I was so selfish I opted to save myself from being hurt of being told “Leave me alone.” I did not like being rejected like that even by my brother like that so I just ignored him because of my fear.
4. When he had to spend the night behind bars just because my older sister was acting up and put him there. My heart crashed seeing his face there but then I had to act like nothing; handed him something — I can’t remember exactly whether it was a blanket or a meal or both at that time but I remember hurting so much and feeling so frustrated about the situation. I should have talked and spent longer time with him there. I just acted cool and only said something so little. I should have let him know that I cared and that it was hurting me that he had to go through all that just because I always had to advice him not to fight back with our older sister –just to show respect even when she was already being unreasonably crazy. He had to hold back a lot just because I was there most of the time. But then, in the end. I have just abandoned him most of the time. [writing it off so hopefully i can fully let it go and forgive myself now]

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Honestly, after losing him, my devotion to my family gradually faded. I feel frustrated with how the events currently unfolded in the family life, with the youngest brother, the older sister and everything else, but also it can’t be helped and I can’t do anything about any of it. I am not so sure if this (my avoidance) has been because of my fear of experiencing the same pain of losing one of the people I treasure the most that I just keep on distancing myself from them or I am just taking life as it is now and not giving much fuck about what I can’t control anymore. Nevertheless, my heart is getting colder and colder towards them.

As soon as I had that journal project in high school, the only thing my reflection made me realized was me wanting to live my life with no regrets and so, I’ve always made sure to avoid the things I know I would regret since. Why did I ever have to lose myself several years after that conviction? and the price I had to pay for it was losing my brother.

Am I constantly dreaming about my brother because of how I have been towards my family lately? Is what I am doing now or is what I am becoming now towards my family gonna make me regret in the future? I don’t know, but one thing I surely know of myself is NEVER WANTING TO BE THE HERO FOR ANYONE. I guess that includes my family. I help, but I never have that desire to be the hero. I’ve always preferred to be hated for what I think is right, than to be praised for whatever reasons. 2/21/2024