Things that gives me a bittersweet aftertaste or shall I say a hang over kind of feeling

I am never used to confrontation and whenever I speak up my mind even to these days, 2 years since I started working on it, I still feel like I have drunk a barrel of a liquid, poured it all into my system and suffocating afterwards. “Why is the case?”, I am puzzled.

When I can see the possible outcome of things, especially the negative ones, I worry for the people involved and then, I feel the urge to just tell them about it hoping it would help even though I think it might hurt them. I say things to them then I feel so bad, I would loathe myself for having hurt or offended them. I feel like I have done this to a lot of people.

This week, I just feel so bothered by these things.

1. The drunken situations with my friend. It was really fun and I was glad I could still take care of her despite being a bit tipsy myself. But, I should have kept everything to myself no matter how fun it was to share with everyone involved that night. After sharing it with everyone, I kept asking myself “What was really my point?” “Did I want validation?” Maybe. Coz I was proud of having done something I never imagined I would do to anyone. “Am I really supposed to share those things that I did to help someone in need, especially if I treat her as a friend?” No, but if I already shared them, I am not that person I want to be anymore. I am worried I offended her and made her feel like she owe me or anything, because she really doesn’t. I would feel worse when she would thank me after sharing it because maybe she just feels like she ought to thank me now that I have told everyone about it.
2. My coworker and her approach. I felt so bothered by it because it appeared impolite and I felt responsible for my students so I had to suggest to my coworker a much better way of doing things instead. I felt like hell while doing it. I felt relieved having to express it, but I felt horrible knowing it might have felt her awkward and or worse, it might have made her felt judged or something. Actually, my worse feeling started after I had told my boyfriend about it and he told me, perhaps my coworker was just too comfortable with me that she thinks that what she was doing was okay because she jumped in and was just trying to help and then I saw it as something else like she was trying to undermine me by making me look liked I did not know what I was doing to my students. I mean, boy was he right. I did think part of it like this. So, I felt horrible telling myself, “Wait! Was it also, did I do it because of my ego?” But, I felt concerned, too. I know my students well and I know they would be uncomfortable to the situation but man, did I really just overthink about it as my boyfriend said so. Were my students really just okay? I mean if they did not feel uncomfortable about it, I should have not made my coworker uncomfortable, then. But I also know it would make me uncomfortable if she keeps on buttling in like that. I just think it’s inappropriate.
3. The thought of me appearing selfish. There are certain people I keep on talking with about unconventional slash weird relationship in the past. Why do I feel the need and the joy to keep on talking about it? It’s in the past for God’s sake. I feel bothered by it because, in the past, in 2019, I was still on that I-only-share-things-to-this-person-and-a-different-thing-to-another shit. I’ve told people a twisted version and I’ve told a little bit a more tweaked version of the stories to others. I had trust issues back then. Also, I really wanted to move on at that time and I just wanted to forget and erase the memories and so I did not really care whether or not, some of it were true. Plus, I know that the people I was talking with were associated with people who make talking about other people’s back their past time. Then, there came a time when in 2022, I had the chance to really looked back to everything and decided to come clean to one of the person I trust the most in the circle. I talked to her and told her about it. To my dismay, I regretted once again the trust I put in her. Of all the people, she was the one who share it to one of the people (M) I don’t really trust. Now, that person (M), must have shared it with (J) and then, to another (J). Then the second (J) talked about it with another (J) whom I shared a slightly different version of the story. And having talked shared about it amongst the group (I know now with the friend I am currently sharing things with), I HAVE APPEARED to be A LIAR to them. But it’s okay. It’s true. I lied about parts of it because I did not fully trust any of them about anything. But why should I care? I don’t know. I am bothered by it because I lied but I have always been just honest to myself even when I lie to others, so I think I should just hold on to this. Afterall, no one really knows how we feel and think about a situation aside from ourselves. Why do I have to please people anyway? Why do I have to be accepted by them if they are people who I don’t find myself comfortable to be sharing things with? I am into growing. Talking about people behind their back is something only high schools and or bystanders in life would do. I am not that or I don’t want to be that so well, let’s just say, if they really did talk bad about me behind me, they just don’t really belong to my circle because I never did this to any of them (L, A, J, E, M, J, J and J) because I consider them real friends.
4. Urggh I keep on getting these feelings whenever I have to talk about an incident about someone I griped about in March. I end up backbiting her to others and I always feel horrible doing this. I feel like I am violating my “if you respect people, you do not talk about them behind their back guiding principle” This person in March and the other person similar to her are the only people who trigger me so much and that I end up compromising my beliefs. I know they are people for me to avoid with in the beginning but perhaps the universe really wanted me to deal with these kinds since I was brought here and to various situations with them. They don’t really do physical harm anyway. They are just mental stressors, (cunning and manipulative — just the other one is less intense than the other) LESSON HERE: Stick to whoever you want to be. Never compromise your principle or else you end becoming the person you hate and avoid in people. Focus on growth, because if you do, it is easy to see the message of the situation rather than what you are suffering from it. (J and J in Japan situation)
5. Another coworker who is a friend. I am happy and really thankful that one of my friends is finally here with a lot of better opportunities to enjoy and experience life. I am also concerned whether she can stay longer or not and if there is any way I can help her because I know staying has really a lot of upsides for her. I felt like I was observing how she would conduct her lesson even when no one told me to because I am just too concerned in how I can better help her, but I know that I am uncomfortable doing it. Like telling everyone what they need to do because I am sure they know and thinking about it, too. But still I could not keep it to myself, I was kind of like saying it indirectly. I thought of it and I don’t know for some reasons, my thoughts are always louder to the people I think about it to. For some reasons, it would manifest in my actions and in some other ways and I can just feel that they somehow read my thoughts and there’s this awkwardness. Or maybe I am just overthinking it again. 6/7/2023
6. I feel lost and am unable to stand firm on what I want to do anymore and how I am going to achieve the things I want because I have been so distracted. I guess this is an aftermath of letting someone disrupts your flow by letting them in even when you know you will have a lot of adjustments to do and things to work out with them. Now, it’s not even that worth it anymore. He caused me to doubt things and stuff. And yet, I am still here wherever we are now. I just need to hold onto this and make it work like it is supposed to. I made that decision in the beginning of this above all. 6/8/23 (L distraction)

I think the common denominator of these all is that I care more haha caring more is just my way of saying I OVERTHINK THINGS AGAIN. Therefore, I should just care less. Why do I keep having rooms for shits like this in my head these days again? Right, because I have been distracted. My flows disrupted and I care more about the things I shouldn’t. DUH (me rolling eyes to myself)

P.S. when the only therapist I have is myself 😀

–marymancee✨ || drowning with the thoughts of me should live alone because me only end up hurting people, instead of touching and making a difference in their lives, them–the people I come across with and cared for || June 5-8, 2023