He has gone away, but I guess the pain will always stay.

Such ache which always awakens me. Such, which is so hard to push away.  Such pain of regrets and most especially dismay. They could’ve, we could’ve, she could’ve, he could’ve and I of all the people, could’ve done something but instead, I tried to be on my way.

As someone who could understand what he was going through, I could have been his only refugee. If I had stayed that way, perhaps he could’ve not decided to go away.

Secretly, I have had my own shares of struggles, too. And at those times, my only happiness was to see all, most especially you, who seemed to have lost your way,  be happy. Discretely,  I was doing all I could to help you and all I could do is hope that you try to strive on your own in the meanwhile. Deep inside I was telling you to hold on,  even though I knew it wasn’t good enough.

I was too weak and coward of me to have not stood up for you. I was scared of being judged that I was being biased and I was a coward for stupidly choosing to stay quiet for so many times even when it feels like my heart was being squeezed and stubbed a lot of times. And for what? For the useless sake of keeping the peace within the family because my only real strength and happiness was knowing I have my family who inspires me. Now,  I realized how selfish this was, this was just all about what I wanted. How could I not thought of your pains and struggles?

I understood that there’s someone who couldn’t understand what you’re going through and I understood what it was, but  I choose not to say anything about it. Now, all I could do is to embrace the pain these regrets are giving me. I’m writing here, not knowing if you could still have the chance to read this, because what happens in the afterlife is really something no one has known of.  My ultimate wish by the way, is that if life there will be in the afterlife, might you find the way you’ve never found here in your stay.