I have been so bothered by the conversation I recently (just earlier this morning) had with my father. It was just so frustrating that somehow he seemed incapable of seeing my point. I ended up almost becoming disrespectful to him. I felt like all I wanted to do was yell at him and tell him how lousy a father he was but I couldn’t do it and I am glad I didn’t because he wasn’t really like that all the time.

I was just so aggravated that he thought I wouldn’t notice that he was lying or like concealing things from me. Saying things as this and that but what he didn’t know was I have already been made aware of the real situation and he was telling a totally different version from what my sister and mother had told me. He probably thought he was not lying as he have been used to somehow making revisions of things to manipulate people. He may have thought it is okay to do things that way for as long as he gets to have what he wanted. It was aggravating because the longer the conversation got, the more it lead me to recall all the troubles in the past caused by the same action and attitude of his. The longer I listened to him sprouting lies and his manipulation, the stronger the rage I had inside. At the back of my mind, I kept asking when until when I had to continue putting up with it.

As his blabbering went on and on, I have started feeling so indifferent towards him that I did not feel like responding to anything at all. I just realized I was just totally fed up and this causes me to be more frustrated. However, by this time, it was also easier for me to rationalize things. I tried to calm myself down not really paying attention to whatever it was he was saying and then I was not feeling any guilt anymore. Logically, no one is supposed to feel guilty for any of this. No matter how much people, even my father, would play the victim. I should not feel responsible for their shortcomings, for him or for my family anymore, for that matter. Excuses, alibis and manipulation are easier done by people who do not man up , who do not take responsibility for their mistakes. One of the worst is they get better at guilt-tripping you making you sound like you are the one doing wrong against them and that you ought to feel pity towards them. Grrrrrr!!!

Honestly, this was all extremely frustrating. I do not really know what I should be feeling now. That conversation is really disturbing my peace. I am bothered by how I acted. I feel like I ought to feel guilty for kind of almost disrespecting them somehow yet logic dictates me that I should not. One part of me is saying maybe they only ask favor from me because they think I am capable of granting what they are asking… but also a part of me has been asking until when will I have to grant those to them or maybe they just did not know any better. In this case, I should have just adjusted. I should have just stayed patient, calm and interested (regardless if I really was not). The least I could have done.

I just do not get it!!!!! Ever since my world began, by this I mean since that time I have been conscious of my existence, I have always lived my best life so I would not cause dishonor to my parents. My decisions growing up were mostly based on the consideration whether it is an honor or a disgrace to them. They are just simple people after all — financially not so well blessed, and the only thing they have is their dignity. In my primary education, I would always aim high mostly because I would want them to be on stage proud of their children or at least one of them, if not all—- doing great and has excelled in school; a thing I noticed most of the parents in the neighborhood hope their children would give them. They didn’t even have to push me at all. I did it on my own. Isn’t this supposed to be enough? I did everything I could. I have never caused any disgrace or dishonor in my family. They should have at least seen this. 😒🙄

Now, they’re making me feel and think that my practicality is leading me to become a disrespectful child.