John Gray’s Love Letter Technique “MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS”


Because writing letters allows you to listen to your own feelings, I think this technique from this book is worth it.

The Three Aspects/Parts of the Love letter technique

1st A love letter to yourself expressing anger, hurt and sadness, fear, guilt and remorse, and love .

2nd Writing a response letter expressing what you want to hear from your partner

3rd Share your love letter to your partner (you may opt not to share)

THE FIVE SECTIONS of the LOVE LETTER TO YOURSELF (Note: Using simple terms is better)
1. Anger.  “I’m angry because/that …” “I’m frustrated because…” Example: “Dear Jim, I am frustrated that you wanted to read a book and this is our last evening together. I am angry that you ignore me. I’m angry that you don’t wanna spend time with me. I want to feel you love me.”

2. Hurt and Sadness. “I’m sad …” Example: “I’m sad you don’t want to be with me. I feel like you won’t even notice if I wasn’t here. I don’t feel special.”

3. Fear.  “I am afraid…” “I fear … ” Example: “I am afraid you don’t even care. I am afraid you don’t even like me.”

4. Guilt and Remorse. “I feel so embarrassed …” “I’m sorry for … ” Example: “I feel so embarrassed wanting to spend time with you when you don’t even care. I feel embarrassed getting so upset. I’m sorry if it sounds demanding. I’m sorry if I stopped trusting your love.

5. Love. “I love you… that’s why…” I forgive you for …” I understand …” Example: “I do love you that’s why I brought the mango. I wanted us to spend some special time together. I forgive you for being so indifferent . I understand that you are in the middle of something. Let’s have a loving and intimate evening. I love you.”

P.S. The Response I Want to Hear (Sample) “I love you Virginia. I always want to spend a loving evening with you. I’m going to miss you. ”

After writing both your negative and feelings out, the 3-5 minutes spend in writing the response letter can be a healing process. Some of the lead in phrases here are:

Thank you for …

I’m sorry for…

I understand…

You deserve …

I want …

I love …

Writing out what we need, increases our openness to receiving the support we deserve. If we imagine our partner responding lovingly, it is actually easier for them to do so. Be sure to fill all your own resistance about letting your partner support you. This gives you an added awareness on how difficult it must be for your partner to lovingly support you as such times.

This book is really a good guide in understanding each other in a relationship. This isn’t the first time I am reading this and this time I am reminded how important seeing the opposite sex as a completely different person is. Hence, when I am ready to commit again, I will turn to this book over and over. It was months after I had graduated college when I first had my hands, and my attention glued to this. Some of the points were really useful back then as that was the time I decided I was ready to be in a serious relationship and now? Does this mean I am ready again? Well, I think I am just getting ready.

Anyway, as time passes, some insights you have gained from reading this book will eventually fade especially the ones you thought only of a minor significance yet actually play crucial roles in making our romantic relationships work. That’s why it’s really useful to go back to it from time to time. I think it’s really practical and applicable.

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