I find it weird….

I find it weird that I was excited and totally at peace with the thought of spending money on someone and yet I was not feeling the same, not as ecstatic at all when a few days ago I was planning on spending money on my travel. Why is this the case?

Three days before this, I got excited with the thought of finally being able to travel. I got excited with the planning but when it came to how much I was to spend, a part of me was hesitating. Instantly, my desires died. However, today, someone close to my heart found the courage to share her struggles with me. While and after listening, and also because of what I knew of her as a person, I realized one of the things she needed was a change in perspectives. Based on what she had shared, there was nothing that can trigger the change in her current life and so I thought it was best for her to get away for a while.

Immediately, I started checking for available flights. I was extremely excited with the thought of her being pulled out from her sorrow. The thought of her smiling again, back on her feet realizing that there was more to life than what she was drowning her sorrowful self in was beyond satisfying. Changing her sceneries, letting her see the world would definitely pull herself back up. I did not mind the amount of money I would be spending on her. I was just purely happy and willing. Then, it dawned on me that it was not what I felt for myself few days back. What I was feeling at this instant was distinctly different when I was about to spend money on myself on the same thing–traveling. Why did I feel hesitant to spend money on myself on travels but not when I am to do it for others?

I had to stop and contemplate this for a while.

Then, I came to realize that mainly, I, as a human being have been wired to the following:

  1. Money spent on making others happy — others who deserve it is a money well-spent.
  2. Being in a dark place is not at all a good place to be at, and as someone who once or several times had been there, it was tough and was kind of addictive, too to be honest. I think once you are there for a while, you are more likely to get used to being there. This was one of the main reasons I wanted to pull her out of that state as early as possible. She sounded too depressed and this ignited my fear of losing someone again. Truth be told, my overthinking brain lead me to concluding to the other possible worse outcome. Depression. Death. Suicide. Pain. and everything else. DEMN over functioning brain!
  3. Traveling is only fun and enjoyable when you are not alone, when you are with anyone you like –family, real close friends or special someone.
  4. Letting someone travel knowing it would make her happy is satisfying than when I go traveling by myself not fully enjoying.
  5. I still feel like I don’t deserve to enjoy fully because I had not yet fulfilled my promise to my family. I feel like I am being selfish if I spend my money on luxury.

I was really really truly joyful and then the thought of my family being upset once they find out about it came. So then, I did not do it. It’s better to avoid conflicts. || Sunday, May 29, 2022

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