My Neurosis: Finding Pleasure in the Pain or Suffering

What type of neurotic behavior am I exhibiting now?

While the term neurosis may be an exaggeration, it does seem appropriate to describe my behavior. Although it causes pain and discomfort, I continue to engage in it and even find pleasure in the pain. Strangely, it also makes me more present and engaged in the moment.

“Neurosis” refers to a personal psychological state characterized by anxiety, obsessive thoughts, compulsive behaviors, or other mental or emotional disturbances. It suggests a sense of self-awareness and acknowledgement of experiencing certain neurotic symptoms or patterns of thinking and behavior.

It’s interesting to note that only one person has this effect on me, and I have yet to encounter anyone else who compares.

Will I ever find someone who has a similar effect on me? If not, does that mean I am only capable of experiencing this feeling once? Furthermore, if I am like this, does it mean that everyone else is?

The idea of a “first great true love” suggests that the first experience of love can be incredibly intense and impactful. However, the question arises as to what makes this love “true” and “great.” Defining great true love is subjective and can vary from person to person. Generally, great true love is characterized by deep affection, intimacy, and a strong emotional connection between two individuals. It involves a sense of mutual understanding, support, and commitment. Some may also consider great true love to be a spiritual or soulful connection that goes beyond physical attraction or infatuation. Ultimately, the definition of great true love may depend on personal experiences, cultural beliefs, and individual perspectives.

Recently, I have found myself in an ongoing battle within. I have been feeling lost once again, and the only thing that lead me back to life is the familiar surge of positive emotions that arise when I am in pain and when that pain is related to him. Therefore, I just had to spend time reading something about the subject.

Here’s an interesting find. The idea of finding pleasure in the pain or suffering that comes from being in love with a particular person may seem contradictory or confusing. However, it is possible that this paradoxical experience could be a sign that you have fallen deeply in love with that person. This intense emotional connection may be so strong that the pain and pleasure are intertwined and difficult to separate. It’s important to remember that every individual’s experience of love is unique and complex, and there is no one-size-fits-all definition of what love should feel like. Therefore, it’s possible that experiencing both pleasure and suffering when thinking about that one person may be a sign of a deep and profound love for them.

With this said, yes, okay fine. I was in love. I guess my internal struggle was due to denial? Recently, I have been trying to alter things in the past. Some things I want to alter according to how I want to remember them.

But still, some thoughts echoes in my head saying , “Is this normal? Am I normal? or Do I really just gravitate towards pain and suffering now?”

Anyone reading this who has something to say about it , please feel free to affirm me. I mean, at least, I do not feel so alone in thinking I am insane

—marymancee, April 1, 2023


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