My Neurosis: Finding Pleasure in the Pain or Suffering

What type of neurotic behavior am I exhibiting now?

While the term neurosis may be an exaggeration, it does seem appropriate to describe my behavior. Although it causes pain and discomfort, I continue to engage in it and even find pleasure in the pain. Strangely, it also makes me more present and engaged in the moment.

“Neurosis” refers to a personal psychological state characterized by anxiety, obsessive thoughts, compulsive behaviors, or other mental or emotional disturbances. It suggests a sense of self-awareness and acknowledgement of experiencing certain neurotic symptoms or patterns of thinking and behavior.

It’s interesting to note that only one person has this effect on me, and I have yet to encounter anyone else who compares.

Will I ever find someone who has a similar effect on me? If not, does that mean I am only capable of experiencing this feeling once? Furthermore, if I am like this, does it mean that everyone else is?

The idea of a “first great true love” suggests that the first experience of love can be incredibly intense and impactful. However, the question arises as to what makes this love “true” and “great.” Defining great true love is subjective and can vary from person to person. Generally, great true love is characterized by deep affection, intimacy, and a strong emotional connection between two individuals. It involves a sense of mutual understanding, support, and commitment. Some may also consider great true love to be a spiritual or soulful connection that goes beyond physical attraction or infatuation. Ultimately, the definition of great true love may depend on personal experiences, cultural beliefs, and individual perspectives.

Recently, I have found myself in an ongoing battle within. I have been feeling lost once again, and the only thing that lead me back to life is the familiar surge of positive emotions that arise when I am in pain and when that pain is related to him. Therefore, I just had to spend time reading something about the subject.

Here’s an interesting find. The idea of finding pleasure in the pain or suffering that comes from being in love with a particular person may seem contradictory or confusing. However, it is possible that this paradoxical experience could be a sign that you have fallen deeply in love with that person. This intense emotional connection may be so strong that the pain and pleasure are intertwined and difficult to separate. It’s important to remember that every individual’s experience of love is unique and complex, and there is no one-size-fits-all definition of what love should feel like. Therefore, it’s possible that experiencing both pleasure and suffering when thinking about that one person may be a sign of a deep and profound love for them.

With this said, yes, okay fine. I was in love. I guess my internal struggle was due to denial? Recently, I have been trying to alter things in the past. Some things I want to alter according to how I want to remember them.

But still, some thoughts echoes in my head saying , “Is this normal? Am I normal? or Do I really just gravitate towards pain and suffering now?”

Anyone reading this who has something to say about it , please feel free to affirm me. I mean, at least, I do not feel so alone in thinking I am insane

—marymancee, April 1, 2023

Joel Osteen’s Joke “A Million Dollars to Me: A Penny to You”

“I heard about this young man and one day he was talking to God, he said, “God what’s a million years to you?” God said, “A million years to me is like one second to you.” He said, “Well, God what’s a million dollars like to you?” God said, “A million dollars to me is like one penny to you.” He thought about it a moment and said, “God, will you give me a penny?” God said, “Sure, just a second.” —– You’re Future is Set, Joel Osteen

Joel Osteen’s Joke “Four Passengers in a Crashing Plane”

“I heard about this airplane that was about to crash. There were four passengers but only three parachutes. The first passenger said, “I’m a leading heart surgeon . My patients need me.” He took the first parachute and jump. The second passenger said, “I’m a rocket scientist. One of the smartest men alive. My country needs me.” He took the second parachute and jump. The third passenger, Pope John Paul said to the fourth passenger, a 10-year-old boy scout, “Son, I’m old and frail. I don’t have much time left. You can have the last parachute.” The boy scout said, “Sir, don’t worry! There are still two parachutes left. You see the smartest man alive, he just jumped out with my backpack.”

To Pick Up the Pieces of the Wreckage

Survival takes courage, it takes guts to pick up the pieces of the wreckage and move on, to dust off your limbs and bandage your hurts. Survival is more than burying the damage, it is about befriending it – it is about being thankful for how, at a point in your life, it created graveyards within you. For when you look back, you will finally understand that it is nothing short of incredible, how you managed to emerge like wildflowers, from the cemeteries you held within your soul.

lxiii.

Seeds Planted In Concrete, Bianca Sparacino

Joel Osteen’ Jokes “Who Should Make Coffee in the Morning? Husband or Wife? “

“I heard about this husband and wife. They had been arguing for a long time about who should make the coffee in the morning. The husband thought it was the wife’s job, but she just didn’t agree, and after several heated debates, she finally told him, “I can prove it to you from the Bible that it’s the man’s job to make the coffee.” He said, “What are you talking about?” Nothing in the Bible about the man making the coffee. She said, “Sure there is.” She opened her Bible and pointed to the book of Hebrews.? ” —The Power of the SoilJoel Osteen’s Joke

Dealing With the Old Self I Grew Out Of

Have you ever felt you have grown so much it is so easy for your to see how you were with your old self in others?

Now, the hardest thing is you do not know a way of making them see what you see without them thinking you are attacking them or like you are manipulating them.

Gosh, the frustrations! Because you also do not want to lose them, you know.

But I should be able to find a way for this!

12/09/2022

Why does it feel so wrong?

“Can you prioritize me like what you did w/ that person in your past?” And I just said YES and I hated it.

The answer should be NO! I don’t know how to do that. Why should I be taking care of you? Why do you want me to care of you? You are supposed to that yourself!!!! or I guess I am still guarded WTF

Why do I feel this rage every time this crosses my mind? Is it because I know that I am compromising something I think is essential in whatever it is we will have? Am I selfish for not being so willing to compromise?

And also, I didn’t do anything wrong. I mean I only wanted to take care of myself. Duh!!! What is so wrong with that?

12/08/2022

How did I get here?

I have become the person I swore I would never be.

I have become who I would hate and yet I don’t hate myself for it.

I knew why I did what I did and I knew my ground

And yet here I am, bothered by how it is perceived by one person.

Tssskkk!!!!

12/07/2022

For All Your Twists

I do not hate you for the things you did to kill your sadness. For the mouths you kissed, thinking of the life they would breathe into your hollowness, for the opportunities you missed because you felt worthless. I do not hate you for being confused, for running before you knew how to calm the shadows that danced inside of you.

Trust me when I say that I will love you in your humanness. I will love you for your twists, I will love you for your faults. Trust me when I say that I will love it all.

xlvii

Joel Osteen’s Jokes “The New Police Recruit”

I heard about this new police recruit, he was taking his final exam in front of a large classroom. The sergeant asked him, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother-in-law?” Without missing a beat, he said, “call for backup.” —- Bloom Where You Are Planted, Joel Osteen