My Kind of Like New Diary,

Dear _ _ _ _ (my kind of like new diary 😂)

I went to bed probably about 10 minutes right after my last text to you last night and I had a really good sleep. It was a deep sleep—one I don’t often have but the alarm I set for yesterday’s (because of the annual medical check up) went off at 6:30 A.M. so my sleep was disrupted, so then I had to turn the alarm off and go back to my slumber haha 

Luckily, I was able to continue m y sleep and then I awoke on my own and the first thing I did was of course check on my clock and it was this. 

My work starts at 1PM and it was almost 2PM and I knew it could not be 2AM because I already got up at 6:30AM coz of the alarm. I started panicking because ohmygosh my company’s management must have been panicking too wondering where I was and I am never the type of employee who causes headache to his employer so that added more to my shocked disoriented self. 

I grabbed my phone to confirm what time it really was and then oh no!!! It really was not afternoon yet haha it was still 8:30AM and I was so relieved and because I had a good sleep, I took my time and had a refreshing me-time in the morning. Work out, took a long shower and prepared for work. 

Unfortunately, I still have some backlogs from last week. Remember when I said I couldn’t focused at all because of what had happened (haha there’s no need for me to say it again you know what it is)? So I couldn’t get anything done and so last night before going to sleep, I reflected on how my day was yesterday. Had I been productive? Had I done what I was supposed to do? The answer was no for both. So I told myself I was to focus on where I am today. If I was at work, I have to be at work physically and mentally 😂 The reason why I couldn’t reply to you today. My job just requires a lot of mental energy and sometimes I just don’t have a lot or even enough for it so haha I had no excess for you today 😂.

And being like this is just fun but also exhausting and I am still learning. || November 30, 2022

The Lucid Dreamlike Love They Speak Of

“Do not fret if you have yet to find it, this lucid and dreamlike love they speak of, this fervent and inspiring tenderness. Do not fret if you have yet to find it, rather, open your heart to an atlas and stretch your fingertips towards the sky –for the world is also capable of holding your hand, and my god, is it ever beautiful, the kind of love you find tucked away within yourself when the Earth opens your eyes.” xl || Seeds Planted IN CONCRETE, Bianca Sparacino

#poetry

Joel Osteen’s Jokes “The Evangelist and The New Dog”

I heard about this man that got a new dog and he was having a terrible time training him. On the verge of despair, he came across a charismatic Evangelist who said “Leave the dog with me. I’ll have him train in no time.” The next week the owner returned, the Evangelist picked up a stick, threw it, said “Fetch!”. The dog took off, picked it up, brought it right back. Then, the Evangelist said “Drop!” The dog immediately dropped it. The owner was so impressed. The owner was so impressed, he said “Can I try?” The Evangelist said, “Sure” The owner looked at the dog and said “Heel”. The dog lifted up his paw, placed it on the man’s forehead and said, “I command you to sickness to leave.” —Divine Detours, Joel Osteen

#joelosteensjokes

(My Note) On Leaving

Today, I am happy and grateful for this. It just hits different when you hear it from someone not just in your head.

I just feel like I have been disrespectful to a few people. Growth is part of life and we just have to leave people sometimes but I have not been feeling good about it. I do not feel at ease. Why? Because I could not do it in a proper way. I have been trying though since the time I have realized where the inside chaos was coming from (since last year September 2021) but still, it is such a struggle for me to do it in a kind and proper way. But, listening and hearing it from someone, I feel like I am almost there and so I am taking notes.

My notes on why I feel bad about leaving people

Joel Osteen’s Jokes “Prayers About Food”

I heard about somebody sent me this prayer about food and it goes like this “Lord, grant me the strength that I may not fall into the clutches of cholesterol. At polyunsaturates, I’ll never mutter, for the road to hell is paved with butter. Cake is cursed and cream is awful and Satan is hiding in every waffle. Beelzebub is a chocolate drop, Lucifer is a lollipop. Teach me the evils of fried chicken from the South. Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.” —Taking Care of Yourself, Joel Osteen

As if …

It’s not as if we are being forced to do anything with anyone.

What is still annoying is the thought of me being seen as something I was not. Like really. In other aspects of life, I don’t care much but it really gets to my nerves every time it crosses my mind.

The comforting thought today “Travel. Travel. Travel. I get to travel (even if I change my mind when the time comes) because I’ve booked tickets, made some reservations and then actually, there’s no refund for cancellation. Yehey go stupid!!! 😂 But the thought of solitude excites me the most. I strongly feel these trips would be very memorable” Anyway, I still wish there were DELETE buttons in life. Though this means I am still living in the past, a bit.😂😂😂

— marymancee ✨ || October 11, 2022

I Got Me

“Tryna play a game, but you don’t play for keeps
Messin’ with a girl from the east side, yeah

On my own and I won’t waste any time
Chasing a ghost who don’t try
I’m top of the shelf, but you helped yourself to somebody else

Don’t really care about all of your mistakes”

“Holding my head again
Making my way through crowded thoughts

Turns out sometimes you’re stronger alone

Bringing out the fight, yeah
Bring on all the lightning
Cause I’m looking for a hero
Look inside the mirror
I find one, oh
Carry the hurt when it gets too hard
Pick it up, dust it off, when I fall
Down 11, I get up 12
Don’t need nobody else
Yeah, I can save myself

Got burned, but I learned
Our scars makе us who we are
Now I’m ten feet tall, ovеr my demons”

Jane The Boy || I Got Me & Save Myself

—marymancee ✨ || October 10, 2022 (P.S. dreamed about my late brother again last night)

October Thoughts

All is fair in love and war

I finally understand what this means.

Foolish is someone who refuses to accept the reality —fails to see things as they are because their reality is somehow distorted by their skewed outlook and expectations from life and also because things are not in accordance to what is right.

“It’s necessary to bait the hook to suit the fish.”

—marymancee ✨ || October 7, 2022

No one is intentionally hurting anyone

They’re just trying to keep themselves safe in the ways they know how.

—marymancee ✨ || October 8, 2022 || October 8, 2022

Love Language

Love can be communicated in languages beyond words.

—marymancee ✨ || October 9, 2022

I got me

Got burned, but I learned
Our scars makе us who we are

—marymancee ✨|| October 10, 2022

My Old Sweet Self

Quest Finished.

I’ve come to the end of my quest. It was me, of course, I was mainly part of everything that had happened. My trust issues due to 1. my fear of abandonment, 2. my insecurity, especially financially because I never wanted to be like most of my own people being criticized and included in the negative stereotypes (especially when it comes to poverty and money), 3. my insecurity feeling like I did not deserve to be fully loved by anyone because I felt like I was not whole yet and because of that, it was okay because I did not have much to give as of the moment anyway. I still had a lot of responsibilities mainly the ones that sometimes suck the life and optimism in me and I did not even have the time to get to know myself better in some aspects. Luckily, I have always have this growth mindset mentality and even though I had to go through the rough times of being lost and insecure in myself, I had my strongest grip on other important aspects of life I give importance to.

Regardless of my issues I stayed true to fairness, honesty and although not so much with my personal integrity, I did not cause intentional harm or pain to anyone. Unconsciously, I was brought up being the caretaker. Thus, I naturally put others needs first before mine. Never mind I suffered because I knew I could endure. Never mind I looked bad or perceived as whatever because I knew my values (although I had to let loose of a few along the way) for as long as it didn’t kill me, it was okay. Never mind my suffering because thankfully there were people kind and understanding enough to help me see the beauty of life despite the bad blood of it all. There were people who truly cared for me. The people who I felt safe and whom I chose to trust with despite me having difficulty in this area. For them, I am already blessed and truly grateful.

Regardless of my issues, most of them I can now pinpoint clearly, I stayed true to what I believe was right, and for this, I should be proud of myself.

I’ve come to the end of this quest is what I said in the beginning and yet I know it’s actually just the beginning. In the meantime, I am happy and grateful of where I have come and what I have achieved for my life so far.

“Do not I mean NOTHING can aggravate, anger or stress me now.”

—marymancee ✨ || October 6, 2022

P.S. About the growth mindset. I got reminded of this today by someone I admire and can seem to resonate well with in this area.

The need for Suffering — Banter Republic

Suffering is best enjoyed in silence. I’m currently suffering from NDTDA. It’s a rare disease that loosely translates to No Desire To Do Anything Syndrome. I was first diagnosed as a toddler, the doctor promised my parents that I would outgrow it in the end. I’m glad to announce that in 2022, the doctor has […]

The need for Suffering — Banter Republic